Once upon a time, in a land far away which by some sort of freak coincidence was called Gunma Prefecture, there lived an orphan named Kentarella. Kentarella lived in a small cottage in the deep, dark forest with his cruel stepmother and his equally cruel two stepsisters, and we won't bother with their names since they're not really important anyway.

Kentarella was ill-treated, as his stepmother and his stepsisters were jealous of the fact that he was a whole lot better-looking than they were, which is not saying much since his stepmother and stepsisters were so ugly that none of the hundreds of the wild animals that lived in the forest would go anywhere near the cottage, insisting that there were some really ugly monsters living there.

Anyway, Kentarella did all the household chores - cooking, cleaning, sewing and at the same time wondering why the hell was he doing all this since he's a guy for crying out loud, but as he was frightened of his stepmother he kept his mouth shut and did them anyway. He would cheerfully sing whenever he did his chores, sending birds into avian fury for interrupting their song, and the birds privately thought that Kentarella couldn't sing to save his life anyway.

Thus Kentarella whiled away his days, singing and cooking, singing and sweeping, singing and washing... you get the picture. Anyway, one day this routine was severely interrupted when a white Lancer Evolution IV zoomed into the forest and came to a halt in the cottage's driveway in a screech of TOYOs and a squeak of Brembos. An ill-tempered man dressed in the neighbouring kingdom's livery jumped out of the rally car and starting cursing at how muddy his car was.

"Hey you!" the man shouted when he spotted Kentarella hiding behind a tree, "can you clean this up for me? I'll pay."

"Sure," Kentarella readily agreed, since it was the first time that someone actually wanted to pay him for doing something. While he was hosing down the white Mitsubishi, he asked, "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"My name is Seiji," said the man, "and I'm the messenger from the Emperor kingdom at Tochigi. I was sent to Gunma by King Kyoichi to deliver an important message to Prince Ryoupon and Prince Keipi of Akagi." Seiji stopped to point out a spot Kentarella had missed before he continued to explain, "It's Prince Keipi's birthday tomorrow and he's having this big party tonight at the castle to celebrate. King Kyoichi was issued an invitation and I'm supposed to deliver a message in reply since he can't attend the party."

"What's the message?" Kentarella asked curiously.

Seiji reached into his pocket and produced a scroll. "It says, 'Your birthday? Well, who gives a shit?!'"

"Hey," Kentarella said as he cleaned the mudflaps, "since your king's not going to the party, can I have his invitation? I'm a big fan of Prince Keipi - I heard that he's a really cool guy, and he's a great driver. Is it true that he drives a yellow FD?"

"Sure kid," Seiji shrugged as he tossed Kentarella the invitation. "You got a car? You need one or else the guards won't let you in."

"No, but I'll think of something," Kentarella replied as he finished his clean-up of the Evo IV.

"Whatever," Seiji said as he tossed Kentarella some money before he zoomed away in his car.

Kentarella tucked the invitation into his pocket and entered the cottage, where he immediately went to the kitchen and washed the dishes in the sink. He had just finished drying the huge pile of crockery when his stepmother called him. "Kentarella!" the woman screeched, "get over here!"

"Coming!" he replied. When he reached the living room, he found his stepmother and stepsisters dressed up nicely (for them).

"We've been invited to Prince Keipi's party, so we're going," said his stepmother.

"They say he's going to pick his bride at the party," stepsister number one added.

"He's gonna fall in love with one of us and get married!" stepsister number two gushed.

"EEEEEEE~!" they both shrieked loudly in excitement, startling the hell out of the birds around the cottage.

"And I'm Michael Schumacher," Kentarella muttered under his breath.

"You'll have to stay at home and watch the cottage, and remember to tape Music Station for your stepsisters," his stepmother ordered. "Okay girls, let's go." With that, all three of them went outside, crammed themselves into the family Toyota Vitz and zoomed off to the castle at Akagi.

"Oh crap," Kentarella whined, "I wanna go to that party! But I don't have a car!"

"That's all right, we'll help!" said a voice; Kentarella turned around and jumped. Behind him stood three guys, each with a torque wrench in his hand.

"Who are you?" he gasped.

"I'm Iketani," explained the first guy, "and we're your fairy godfathers."

"Actually, we're not. Your real fairy godfather Yuuichi is on vacation, so we had to take this job," the second guy admitted. "And I'm Kenji."

"I'm Itsuki, and we're the Speed Stars!"

"Uh-huh," was all Kentarella could say.

"Okay, so you want to go to this party right?" Iketani said; Kentarella nodded furiously. "First, we gotta get a car. Do you have anything lying around the house that we can magic up into a decent car for you?"

Kentarella thought for a moment before he ran into the kitchen and returned with a pumpkin. "Will this do?" he asked.

"Fine by me," Iketani shrugged. "Bring it outside."

Kentarella hurried outside and placed the pumpkin on the ground. Iketani waved his magic torque wrench and - kaboom! - there was a cloud of smoke; the smoke slowly cleared away to reveal a bright orange S14.

"Just what I always wanted!" Kentarella gushed, "an S14! And in orange, my favourite colour!"

"Next, you need some decent clothes," Kenji observed. He waved his magic torque wrench and - poof! - Kenta was outfitted from head to toe in NEXT. "A whole lot better than that apron you were wearing."

"Okay," Iketani said, clapping his hands, "you're dressed and you've got a car. Now go!"

"Doesn't he do anything?" Kentarella asked, pointing at Itsuki.

"Of course not, he's crap," Iketani answered and deftly dodged away from Itsuki's swung fist.

"Ah. Um, do I have to come back before midnight or something?" Kentarella asked.

"Nope, that's only for girls," Kenji assured him.

"Oh. Thanks a lot guys!" Kentarella said before he hopped into the orange S14 and zoomed away into the night.

"Aniki~!" Prince Keipi sang as he barged into his brother's chambers, "come on, the party's starting!"

"In a minute," Prince Ryoupon replied as he typed the last few lines of his thesis. He saved the file, switched off his laptop and put it away. "Okay Keipi," he said fondly, "let's go."

The two princes went into the huge ballroom and did the usual royal thing of waving and smiling at nothing much. "Jeez, aniki," Prince Keipi muttered, cringing at all the looks the girls gave him, "they're all stupid bimbos. And I'm supposed to pick one and marry her? Yuck!"

Prince Ryoupon nodded in agreement. "That's what daddy said - hey, what's all the commotion?" He went to the window and noticed that there seemed to be some sort of uproar at the front gates of the castle.

"Come on, let's go take a look!" Prince Keipi said, excited. "Who knows, it might be a lovely princess in a pumpkin coach just like in those fairy stories!" He grabbed his brother's hand and ran out of the ballroom, down the stairs and into the courtyard.

"What's going on?" Prince Ryoupon asked Fumihiro, the captain of the guards while Prince Keipi tried to peek around the huge crowd to get a better view of whoever it was had just arrived.

"Just some guy showing up in an S14, Your Highness," Fumihiro answered. "There he is."

The crowd parted for a moment to allow a young man to pass through. "Hi," the young man said shyly to Prince Keipi, "are you Prince Keipi?"

"Yeah," the prince replied, "who are you?"

"My name's Kentarella, and I'm a big fan of yours," came the proud answer.

"Is that your car over there?" Prince Keipi asked, pointing at the crowd. Seeing Kentarella nod, he continued. "Can I take a look?"

"Move aside!" Fumihiro yelled; the crowd parted again, this time to reveal a bright orange Nissan.

Prince Keipi stared at the garish car and promptly screamed, covering his face with his hands. "Uwaaaa! My eyes!"

"Oh shit!" Prince Ryoupon swore and rushed to his brother's aid, "Keipi, are you all right?"

"I've gone blind!" the younger prince whined, "I can't see!"

Kentarella gulped.

"It's no use," Prince Ryoupon said weakly a week later, "I can't do anything to cure his condition!" He sniffed as he stared at his brother, who was lying in bed and whining over the fact that he can no longer drive his RX-7 or play Dance Dance Revolution.

"I'm sorry," Kentarella squeaked.

Prince Keipi's sudden blindness had caused much shock among the kingdom and its neighbours, except for Akina's King Bunta and his son Prince Takupon who thought it wasn't such a big deal, since King Bunta did everything with his eyes closed and Prince Takupon never got excited over anything anyway.

Prince Ryoupon sighed and slammed the medical textbook he had been reading shut. "That's it, medical science can't do anything to cure his blindness. That means we will have to resort to other measures."

"Like what?"

"Let's see," Ryoupon said thoughtfully, tapping one finger on his chin, "they say there's a witch at Myougi who can cure diseases and hexes and all that. Maybe we can get her to cure my brother."

Prince Ryoupon then dragged his brother Prince Keipi into his white FC, telling him that they were going to seek out the witch at Myougi, while Kentarella tagged along behind them in his orange S14. Once they reached the foot of the mountain, they stopped to take a deep breath, then immediately revved their engines and floored the accelerator, hoping that they would make it to the peak without coming across the Myougi guardian Shinpon, who drove a red Civic SiR and was fond of running other vehicles off the road and into a ravine.

Perhaps it was just their good luck, or perhaps that it was time for Shinpon's favourite TV show, but whatever it was the trio made it to the peak of the mountain unscathed. Prince Ryoupon stepped out of the white FC and hurried to the other side to help his brother out. Guiding him by the arm, Prince Ryoupon led him down the path leading towards the Myougi witch's home, Kentarella right behind them.

They soon reached the witch's home where Prince Ryoupon noticed there was a black Skyline GT-R parked in the garage and mentioned it to his brother.

"Eeew," Prince Keipi said, wrinkling his nose cutely, "I hate GT-Rs."

"Well, it's the witch's car and she is probably the only one who can cure your blindness, so shut up," Prince Ryoupon chided. He cleared his throat and rang the doorbell.

The door opened and a male voice boomed, "Come in!"

"Oooh, who's that with the sexy voice?" Prince Keipi wondered.

"Maybe it's the witch's son," Prince Ryoupon replied. "Come on," he said and led his brother in by one arm while Kentarella took the other. They soon found themselves in the living room, where a guy dressed in dark blue polo shirt and khakis was busy reading a car magazine.

"Who are you?" the guy said, not bothering to get up from his comfortable seat on the couch.

"Um, I'm Prince Ryoupon and this is my brother Prince Keipi," Prince Ryoupon said nervously, "that guy there is Kentarella. We're looking for the Myougi witch. Are you her son?"

"And who owns that GT-R? You?" Prince Keipi added.

The guy snorted. "Oh fuck, I really wish people would get it straight for once. The only witches in Gunma are in Usui - Mako and Sayuki. I've been living here for ages and yet nobody ever gets it right, and yes, that's my GT-R in the garage. Why the hell do you people always get Myougi and Usui mixed up? And dammit, I'm not a witch - hell, do I look like a girl to you?"

"Well," Kentarella said hesitantly, "you are wearing eyeliner."

"I'm not wearing eyeliner!" the guy exploded, causing the Akagi trio to gulp and take a few steps back. "See?" he growled as he rubbed his hands across his eyes, "no smears. It's natural."

"I see," Prince Ryoupon muttered. "Err, can you still do magic stuff, cure diseases, that sort of thing?"

"Sure."

"Oh, thanks! And what's your name by the way?"

"Takeshi. But most people call me Takepon." Takepon then asked, "So what's the problem?"

"Um, you see, my brother here lost his sight after seeing a bright orange S14, and I've tried everything to restore his vision but to no avail. Can you help?" Prince Ryoupon pleaded.

"Orange? God, that's a stupid colour to paint a car."

Prince Ryoupon prudently stomped on Kentarella's foot before the S14 driver could make any retort that would cause Takepon to turn them into frogs or toads.

Takepon peered into Prince Keipi's sightless eyes and tapped his lower lip in thought. "Hmmm," he said, nodding, "no problem." He whipped out his cellphone from his pocket and placed a call. "Hey Shinpon! It's me. Run down to the store and get some"- he proceeded to rattle off a long list of ingredients - pepper, cucumbers etc. - his spell components, Prince Ryoupon thought.

Takepon then invited them into the kitchen where he turned on the stove and placed a huge pot of water to boil. "We'll have to wait for Shinpon to come back," he explained.

About fifteen minutes later the Myougi guardian popped into the kitchen with a huge plastic bag. "Here," Shinpon said, placing the bag on the counter, "you owe me 5,000 yen."

Takepon looked meaningfully at Prince Ryoupon, who immediately got the hint. The prince opened his wallet and paid Shinpon, who pocketed the cash and zoomed away to run some other poor bastard off the road.

Takepon opened the bag and started sorting the items. He immediately got to work, chopping up the vegetables and fish and tossing them into the pot. Kentarella offered to assist, but Takepon shooed him away.

"Is that the magical cure for my brother?" Prince Ryoupon asked curiously, staring at Takepon, who was busy stirring the contents of the pot and tossing in some seasoning.

"Of course not," Takepon snorted, "this is my lunch."

"Ah," the prince croaked.

"I never work on a hungry stomach, okay?" Takepon grumbled.

And so the trio waited for Takepon to finish cooking his stew and again, waited for him to finish his meal, and then waited for him to finish washing the dishes and wiping the counter. When Takepon was finally done, he told the trio to follow him back to the living room.

"Let's see," Takepon muttered, staring at Prince Keipi. "Ah, this is easy." He mumbled some magic words, closed his fingers into a tight fist and bonked the prince hard on the head, driving him to his knees.

"EEEYOW!" Prince Keipi shrieked, "you bastard!" He blinked rapidly and then gasped, "I can see!"

"See, it's easy," Takepon shrugged, "and he's now immune to garish-coloured cars, so seeing orange or pink cars won't bother him anymore."

Drops of cold sweat appeared on Prince Ryoupon and Kentarella's foreheads.

"I can see!" Prince Keipi repeated, staring at the guy standing before him. "Ooh, so you're the witch? Hey, you're the one with the sexy voice - and you're so cute!" he exclaimed before he tackled a startled Takepon down in an enthusiastic glomp.

"I am not a witch, you moron!" Takepon growled, struggling to break free from Prince Keipi's grip.

"Whatever," Prince Keipi shrugged before he proceeded to kiss the wit- I mean, the GT-R driver to shut him up.

Prince Ryoupon coughed and said in a rather embarrassed tone, "Um, Keipi, we have to go."

"Hey aniki," the younger prince begged, "can he come along too? Please?"

"I'm not going anywhere with you, blondie!" Takepon shrieked.

"Oh yes you are," Prince Keipi insisted.

"Well, if you can get him to agree, then it's okay with me," Prince Ryoupon told his brother.

Prince Keipi smiled before he proceeded to smooch Takepon into submission. It took him almost fifteen minutes of some very steamy smooching before Takepon finally agreed. "All... right," Takepon panted, his cheeks flushing.

Smirking, Prince Keipi scooped the disoriented Takepon into his arms and carried the wit- I mean, the GT-R driver outside, where he immediately started whining. "Aniki~! Where's my car? Didn't you bring it?"

Prince Ryoupon sighed.

"Oh, shut up," Takepon growled, "and put me down!"

"Okay," Prince Keipi obliged, smiling sweetly.

Takepon brushed himself and headed for the garage. "I'll drive," he announced as he got into the black Skyline GT-R.

"Ugh," Prince Keipi winced, "a GT-R. Yuck."

"Fine, then I'm not going," Takepon grumbled.

"Oh, all right," Prince Keipi surrendered and got into the passenger seat of the Nissan. The other two drivers hopped into their respective cars and the three vehicles zoomed down the road, heading for Akagi.

"I wanna marry Takepon!" Prince Keipi wheedled to his father, King Takahashi, at the same time keeping a firm grip on Takepon's hand.

"You want to marry a witch? The Myougi witch?"

"But Takepon's a cute witch! Oh please, can I, can I?" Prince Keipi continued to plead with puppy eyes.

"For the last time," Takepon said in exasperation, "I am not a witch! What the hell is wrong with you people?"

"Oh please dad, please?" Prince Keipi sniffed cutely.

"All right, Keipi. You can marry the witch," the king agreed.

"I am not," Takepon shrieked, stomping one foot in extreme irritation, "a witch!" He took a deep breath before he yelled, "And I am not gonna marry you!"

"Yeah, whatever," Prince Keipi shrugged before he scooped Takepon into his arms and ran to his bedroom, where he plopped Takepon into bed and proceeded to smooch and then screw him into meek obedience, thus agreeing to the marriage.

And so the two were married and lived happily in the castle, although sometimes it got a little noisy with Takepon's occasional fits of anger and him blasting the castle walls with magical black lightning whenever Prince Keipi made unkind remarks about his GT-R.

Prince Ryoupon could now work on his thesis uninterrupted since his brother no longer bothered him while he typed as Prince Keipi now had Takepon to amuse himself with. Kentarella got a job in the castle kitchens and was quickly promoted through the ranks to the position of head chef, where he promptly created several pumpkin dishes. After getting some experience running a huge kitchen, Kentarella left to start his own food catering business. One day, by chance, Fumihiro stopped by his office and they fell in love and got married the next day.

And they all lived happily ever after.

"What kind of an ending is this?" you ask. Well, to quote Kyoichi-

Well, who gives a shit?!

Thanks to Kourin for the title~! XD