Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a man and his wife, who shall remain nameless since they're not really important. What's important is that they were childless, and not too happy about the situation.

The couple lived in a tiny but comfortable house, and they had a small window at the back of their home. Through this window, they could see into a magnificent garden (which for some odd reason was called Hethel) that was filled with beautiful flowers, particularly white lotuses.[1]

No one however, dared to enter this magnificent garden. Perhaps it was because it belonged to an evil sorcerer, but more likely because it was surrounded by a high wall *and* guarded by German-trained attack dogs.

One day, the woman looked out the window and saw a bed full of most beautiful white lotuses. The exotic blooms were of the purest white, and looked absolutely marvellous, that she somehow developed an odd desire to eat them. This desire grew stronger day by day, and soon she became rather pale and wretched, for she did not know how to get any of the flowers. Asking the sorcerer for some was totally out of the question, for he had even set loose his attack dogs on postmen and milkmen, and was definitely going to do the same to her if she went to him with her request.

Her husband was alarmed at her pining, and asked, "What's the matter? Are you ill, wife?"

"Oh," she answered, "if I don't get some of those pretty lotuses to eat out of the garden behind the house, I know I shall die."

Her husband boggled. "You want to eat flowers?!"

"Well... yes."

The man loved his wife dearly, and thought to himself, I wonder if she's pregnant? Only pregnant women ask for weird stuff to eat!

"Get me those flowers, you lazy bum!" she yelled, and thwapped him on the head with a ladle.

Oh wow! She must be pregnant - what, with the sudden mood swings!

Thrilled with his wife's pregnancy, he was determined to get his wife some of those lotuses, whatever the cost. So one night he climbed over the high wall, sprinted over to the bed of lotus flowers, grabbed a few of the white blooms and quickly returned home. Fortunately for him, he had picked a time when the attack dogs were busy eating their evening meal of Pedigree Chum, so the little theft had gone unnoticed.

His wife was thrilled when he presented her with the white blooms, and she made them into a salad. She ate heartily while her husband shook her head and muttered things about the weirdest things women would make men do for them under his breath. Now, either the sorcerer had done some really funky things to his plants or the wife had some very strange taste buds, but whatever the reason, the salad tasted delicious and the wife craved for more.

At first the husband refused to get more of the flowers, but after his wife threw a tantrum and whacked his head with a ladle again, he found himself climbing over the garden wall the following night. Unfortunately for him, this time the attack dogs were already fed, so the moment he reached the other side, a dozen nasty-looking canines with even nastier-looking teeth surrounded him, barking for their master. Klaxons went off and prison camp-style-searchlights zeroed in on him to the shouts of, "Achtung! Achtung! Schneller!"[2]

The husband drew back in terror when the sorcerer arrived at the scene. "Oi you!" the sorcerer yelled at him, "so you're the one who nicked my prize flowers last night! You bastard, I was gonna enter them in a show!"

"Oh please!" the husband begged, "I had to do it! My wife's pregnant and she has a craving for your lotuses! If I don't get her those flowers, she'll certainly die of pining, or at the very least clonk me a good one on the head with her ladle!"

The sorcerer's anger abated somewhat, for he knew this was true; women did have the oddest cravings in their pregnancies. "All right, if this is true, you can take all the lotuses you want - but under one condition. You will give me your baby, and don't worry, I will take good care of the child."

Frightened, the husband agreed to what the sorcerer asked, and when his wife gave birth, the sorcerer appeared and took the baby boy away.

"What am I gonna call him? I sure bloody well can't call him Lotus now, can I?" the sorcerer muttered, staring at the baby. "Hmm... Ponchan? Blüte? No... I need to give him a name to reflect both his Japanese ancestry and my fetish for German stuff like Mercedes-Benzs and German-trained attack dogs... I have it! I'll call him... Ryoupunzel!"

(Somewhere in the universe, a little black kitty sniggered, ignoring the glares of a certain White Pimp--err, Comet of Akagi)

The sorcerer felt pleased with himself for selecting such a fine name. "Come now, Ryoupunzel," he said, "Papa will take good care of you."[3]

Ryoupunzel grew up to be a handsome young man. He had very fair, almost white complexion and was fond of wearing white clothes; the sorcerer suspected that this had something to do with the white lotuses his mother had eaten. Anyway, once Ryoupunzel was twenty-three years old, the sorcerer locked him away in a red castle[4], which was not really a red castle at all; it was nothing more than a simple tower made of red bricks, but the sorcerer's a pretentious old bastard and was adamant on it being called a castle, so there.

The red 'castle' had neither door nor a stairway, only a small window at the top. When the sorcerer wanted to enter, he would call out:

"Ryoupunzel, Ryoupunzel! Drop that rope!"

When Ryoupunzel heard Papa's voice, he would get the length of rope stored in the 'castle', secure one end on a hook at the window and drop the other end and let it fall twenty-five metres to the ground, and Papa would climb up.

"A rope? Why a rope?" you ask. Well, what else could he use? A bleedin' stethoscope?

One day however, Ryoupunzel complained to the sorcerer just as he was about to come up to the 'castle', "Papa, I'm bored of being cooped up in this tower. Can't I have a day to go out or something?"

"Why you ungrateful boy," cried Papa in anger, "what am I hearing from you? I give you food, shelter, a good medical education, and this is how you repay me - by running off! Hah! We'll see about that! And it's a castle, not a tower, dammit!" He then cut the length of rope that was the only means of access to the 'castle'.

However, the sorcerer somehow neglected to take into account that he was still holding onto the rope, and so the silly old fool plummeted to his doom the moment the rope was cut.

His last words? "I knew I forgot something."

Now that the sorcerer was dead, we can now refer to Ryoupunzel's prison more accurately as a tower, and not a castle. On with the story...

Ryoupunzel would have been doomed to rot away in that tower if it were not for the fact that the next morning, a prince of the neighbouring Mitsubishi Empire was driving through the forest in his black Lancer Evolution III. As he approached the red tower, he heard the most interesting song, that he stopped to listen:

"Fear the black cow, black cow!
My English sucks and I don't know what I'm singing,
Black cow, black cow!
Why am I trapped here, when I could be out driving!"[5]

The prince found the deep voice singing the song rather creepy, but somehow oddly fascinating and attractive at the same time. Curious, he got out of his car, walked nearer to the tower and called out, "Hey! Anyone up there?"

Ryoupunzel poked his head out of the window. "Yes?" he answered.

The prince was immediately smitten by the sight of the handsome young man. "Hey, can I come up?"

"Uh... just a sec!" Ryoupunzel scratched his head. "Hmm... I need to throw him a rope. But Papa cut the rope I used all this time, so what am I supposed to do now? Aha! I'll just tie up my bedsheets and all my clothes to make a rope! I would have done this earlier, but as much as I want to get out of this tower, I don't want to end up wandering around the forest naked and die of exposure!"

He quickly made his rope of bedsheets and clothes, secured one end on the window hook and let the rest of the rope fall down twenty-five metres to the ground, and the prince quickly climbed up.

"Oooh," he said, grinning at the sight of a naked Ryoupunzel once he was safely in the tower.

"Eeep," Ryoupunzel squeaked uke-ishly as the prince pounced on him, and they both got some sweet sweet lovin' on.

"What's your name?" Ryoupunzel asked the prince after their bit of bed-related-action.

"Kyouichi. You?"

"Ryoupunzel."

Kyouichi grinned. "Wanna come with me?"

"Sure, but only if I get to drive a white FC and wear white and navy clothes."

"No problem."

"By the way... is that a bald spot at the back of your head?" Ryoupunzel asked hesitantly.

"Damn!" Kyouichi cursed, "I was hoping that you wouldn't have noticed that!" He looked around. "Ooh, I know. I'll just tie a bandanna around my head!" He reached for the makeshift rope at the window, unsecured it from the window hook and pulled it up. He selected a white bandanna from the mess of knotted clothes, and tied it stylishly around his head.

And threw the rest of the rope out of the window.

"Aaaaaaaaah! That was our only way out!" Ryoupunzel wailed.

"Oops," Kyouichi muttered. "Don't worry, we'll get out of here." He reached for his pants, found his cellphone and dialled. "Hello? Seiji? Hey, I need you to do something for me. Get the tallest ladder you can find, and bring it to this location." He then gave out extremely detailed instructions to the tower, since Seiji was too dumb to read a road map.

"Good," Ryoupunzel sighed in relief, "for a moment there I thought we're doomed to be trapped in here.

"Hmm, Seiji's going to take at least an hour to get here," Kyouichi said.

Ryoupunzel blinked. "So?" he asked.

"So there's still time for a bit more sweet sweet lovin'!" Kyouichi answered before he pounced and gave Ryoupunzel one hell of a screw.

An hour later, Seiji arrived with the ladder and both Ryoupunzel and Kyouichi climbed down from the tower. Kyouichi then took Ryoupunzel to his kingdom, where they were welcomed with great joy, despite Ryoupunzel's awful sense of fashion, and they lived happily ever after.

[1] The headquarters of Lotus Cars (the manufacturer of sports cars e.g. Elise, Exige) is in Hethel, UK. ^^

[2] Kourin, hush. ;P As for the rest of you, don't ask. You do NOT wanna know.

[3] Yes, that 'Papa'. *ducks*

[4] The kanji for Akagi is 'aka' (red) and 'shiro' (castle). Yes, I know that is a very bad joke. XD

[5] To be sung to the tune of 'Black Out', specifically, the chorus. OhohohohoHOHOHOHOHO~

Ryou: ......
hase: What? You got laid, didn't you?