A long time ago in a land that by some freak coincidence was called Gunma Prefecture, specifically, in a kingdom which yet by another freak coincidence was called Myougi, there lived a young man named Shinpon.

Shinpon lived with his mother Sayuki in a small cottage near the forest, where he helped his mother run errands like going to the market, post office, video rental outlet, auto parts store and service station in his beloved red Civic SiR. His mother always praised him for being so quick about it, unaware of the fact that the reason Shinpon was always so swift in running those errands was because he drove like a maniac, nudging other cars' bumpers and at times, running other cars off the roads if he thought they were too slow. Blame it on his youth, where his favourite thing to do after school was to run to the local amusement park, where he would spend his pocket money on the bumper cars.

The bumper-nudging and car-shoving got to such extremes that other drivers either immediately switched to the slow lane whenever they spotted Shinpon's EG-6, or simply drove off the road voluntarily and thus saving Shinpon time, energy and repair for those little nicks on his bumper from doing the job himself.

It got pretty much out of hand until the kingdom's inhabitants started to speak of the Little Red Driving Hood with much respect, and not mention naked fear. His nickname was easily explained - Little, for he drove a cute little hatchback; Red, for the EG-6's scarlet shade; Driving - well duh, and no, we're not talking about golf, and finally Hood, which was short for Hoodlum and had nothing to do with silly little girls' cloaks.

And thus our maniacal Little Red Driving Hood spent his days; he would go to the market in the morning to buy food, running over a few cars on his way and returned with the day's shopping, running over some more cars on his way back. Then he would head off to the mountain pass where he would practice his driving skills; locals would tell of stories of a crazed EG-6 zooming down the mountain road, its driver cackling madly with glee.

One day however, there was a slight change in Shinpon's daily routine. "What's this?" he asked his mother when she handed him a basket.

"That's for your Aunt Mako," Sayuki told him, "she's been feeling rather down lately."

"Why?"

"Mooning over Iketani. What else?" Sayuki sighed. "Anyway, take that basket of food to her house - that ought to cheer her up a bit, since I packed a box of chocolates." She gave Shinpon Mako's address; the driver looked at the piece of paper briefly before tucking it safely in his pocket. "Be careful," Sayuki cautioned, "there's talk of wolves around that area lately."

"Don't worry," Shinpon reassured her, "if I see one, I'll just run it over with the car."

So Shinpon zoomed away to Aunt Mako's house in his red Civic, feeling a rather tad disappointed that everyone got out of his way this time, and thus leaving him with no opportunities to do a little bumper-nudging. "Let's see," Shinpon muttered, slowing his car a little as he squinted at the number plates of the various houses down the lane, "ah, number 32! This is the place."

He carefully eased his car into the driveway and switched off the engine. He took the basket of food placed on the back seat, stepped out of the car and headed for the door, where he promptly rang the doorbell. While he waited for someone to answer the door, he observed the surroundings. Apparently Aunt Mako had decided to do a little redecorating, he surmised, for the last time he had came to visit the house was painted a nice shade of blue, with roses at the door. Now the house was painted black, with lightning-stylised ornaments at the door.

"Cool," Shinpon decided, reminding himself to congratulate Aunt Mako on her more tasteful change in decorations. "Aunt Mako? It's me, Shinpon!" he yelled when no one came to answer the door. He waited for a few more moments before he decided to see if the door was locked.

It wasn't.

"Hello, anyone home?" Shinpon yelled. "Aunt Mako, it's me!" he repeated, just in case she decided to storm out with a pump-action shotgun or something.

"Eh?" he muttered, puzzled that no one replied to his calls. He carefully placed the basket of food on the dining table and plodded off to the bedroom. "Maybe she's sick or something."

He knocked softly on the door before he called out, "Aunt Mako! It's just me, Shinpon. Can I come in?" There was a soft grunt; Shinpon took it as a 'yes' and so opened the door.

"Ne, Aunt Mako," he said worriedly when he saw the prone figure lying in bed, covered from head to toe with the comforter, "are you sick? Do you want me to call a doctor?"

There was an incoherent mumble from the figure in reply; that immediately made Shinpon suspicious. Aunt Mako certainly did not possess such a deep voice. Furthermore, he recalled that she certainly was not a very tall person, so unless she had undertaken growth hormone treatments, the tall figure wrapped in the comforter was definitely not his Aunt Mako.

Shinpon rolled his sleeves, cracked his knuckles and pounced on the bed, pinning the figure down. "Aha!" Shinpon exclaimed once he had tossed away the comforter that had been covering the figure, revealing a very stunned dark-haired young man in his pyjamas.

"Who the fuck-" he began, but Shinpon interrupted him by clamping one hand over his mouth.

"Who are you and what have you done with my Aunt Mako?" Shinpon yelled. He glared at his prisoner, but his gaze faltered slightly. "Err, you're not Aunt Mako, right? 'Cause I haven't been visiting for ages now, and I can't really remember what she looks like, since the last time my mom and me came to visit I was twelve."

He squinted. "My, what big brown eyes you have... uh, Aunt Mako has big brown eyes."

"Mmmphhh!"

"My, what long eyelashes you have... oh dear, I do believe Aunt Mako has eyelashes like that."

"Mmmmfff!"

"My, you're even wearing eyeliner... oh shit, Aunt Mako wears eyeliner!"

"MMMMPHHH!"

"Err, Aunt Mako," Shinpon said hesitantly, "is that you?"

"My name is Takepon, and I am not your fucking Aunt Mako!" the guy yelled when Shinpon finally removed the hand over his mouth.

"Really? Oh well, there's one easy way to find out for sure."

"Hey! What-what do you think you're doing?! Stop!"

Shinpon ignored Takepon's protests and proceeded to rip his pyjamas off. "Oh," Shinpon said, blushing when the clothes were torn away to reveal the obvious fact that his prisoner was definitely not his Aunt Mako - heck, his prisoner was not even female.

"Oops," he said by way of apology, still blushing at the sight of a naked Takepon, pinned to the bed.

"Ooooooh," he muttered a moment later, grinning wickedly at the sight of a very cute and naked Takepon, pinned to the bed. He reached into his pocket and lo and behold, a roll of duct tape appeared in his hand.

"Huh?" Takepon said, but whatever he was going to say next was smothered with a kiss. Then another, and then another, and the kissing shifted from his mouth to some more very interesting parts of his body, and here is where we shall leave our characters for twenty minutes of some very steamy kissing and screwing (aided with some duct tape, of course) in private.

...

Okay, twenty minutes up, but we'll give them an extra five just to be sure.

...

And now, we rejoin our characters to find both of them lying in bed amid torn strips of duct tape, under the covers and minus their clothes, sharing a cigarette. "Ne, Takepon," Shinpon asked the figure lying in his arms, "did you just move here?"

"No," Takepon answered lazily, "I've been living here all my life. Kinda boring since nobody ever comes to visit, not with those damn wolves and all."

"Hey, I got here didn't I?"

"By mistake," Takepon muttered, "but I'm not complaining." He sighed as Shinpon pulled him even closer and started caressing his back.

"That's odd," Shinpon said, puzzled, "I know I have the right address. This should be Aunt Mako's house."

"Hell no," Takepon shook his head.

"32 Ayamari Lane!" Shinpon announced.

"That's on the other side of the forest. This is 32 Ayamari Street."

"Oh." Shinpon flushed guiltily. A moment passed before he asked, "Hey Takepon, you wanna come live with me? There's plenty of room back at my house, and I'm sure my mom won't mind."

"That'd be nice."

And so the two left for Shinpon's home, but not before going to the real 32 Ayamari Lane to deliver Aunt Mako's basket of food; she was much thankful for the gift and wished both Shinpon and Takepon happiness and good fortune. They then returned to Shinpon's home, where Shinpon presented his new boyfriend to Sayuki, who immediately burst into tears upon hearing the (embellished, courtesy of Shinpon) tale of love at first sight, touched.

The three then lived together in the house; Sayuki did all the cooking and cleaning; Shinpon did all the shopping while Takepon got a nice-paying job as an executive in the local import-export firm, since he was the only one with a college degree. And apart from the occasional fistfights over the TV remote, both Shinpon and Takepon lived happily ever after.

And before you ask what wolves had to do with this stupid tale-

Somewhere in the forest, a Canis Lupus sneezed.